A disclaimer….change is a journey

One of my great loves is writing. Forcing discipline and structure on my chaotic thoughts and crafting them into some semblance of order. Making sense of a world that often runs rampant in my head. It grounds me. As I look back over 2019, I realise I did so little of it and our Future of Education website sat largely unattended to. 2020 for me is about lots of things, but most particularly it is about writing – sharing my journey of reflection and discovery. Hence this BLOG. But….

One of the problems with social media is the ability we now have to present all the best moments of our lives as though our children are always smiling and happy and our relationships perfect as we smile into each other’s eyes; and then the worst moments when we become victim to something terrible and we garner sympathy and empathy because the world turned on us. We don’t show the moments when I caused the argument or when my family falls into dysfunction over a board game or when I failed to follow my own good parenting advice; or even just the ordinariness, messiness and boring bits of life. Who shows themselves cleaning the house unless it is done in a cool, funky way – dancing to music, for example - and, really, who actually does that?

This ability in social media to control the narrative worries me as I begin this blog. I don’t want to position myself as the hero of my own narrative. I don’t want to present myself as having superpowers. The risk of doing that makes me feel decidedly uncomfortable. So I want to begin with a disclaimer.

I am not perfect!

I work too hard.

I make mistakes at work and at home.

I try to be kind, but sometimes I am mean.

I am way too competitive.

As hard as I might try to be otherwise, my propensity towards imperfection is something I have to live with every day. It is part of the human condition, and is true for all of us.

In my doctoral thesis I asked the question, “Does coaching assist the growth and development of educators?” Over the two years that I followed my research participants, I had expected to see evidence of permanent change as a result of the coaching and mentoring programme they went through. But this was not what I encountered. Instead their stories were of growth and development and of an ongoing struggle to be different and a return, at times, to the old ways of responding to experiences.

As an ex-perfectionist, it has helped me to understand that change is not a destination, it is not an end point revealed through consistent adherence to a particular way of being. But rather change is an ongoing journey in which, as I remain open to the learning that can be found in each and every human experience, whether that experience is of failure or success, then a narrative of change, of growth and development, will be revealed. A Buddhist teacher described it as looking upon our imperfections with compassion. This understanding has helped me to show more grace to myself. And to others. At Amesbury School, we have a saying we share when something has not gone well or when someone has made a mistake: “Beat yourself up, but only for a moment; and then celebrate, because now that you know, you have an opportunity to do it better”. That is looking upon imperfection with compassion.

As a principal, this understanding has impacted how I work with staff to assist their growth and development. One of the key indicators in our Coaching Leadership Development Framework and Self Review Tool which we use with developing leaders says:

"Highly effective leaders embrace their propensity for both success and failure as an aspect of the human condition. As such, they show grace to self and others. Perfection is not the goal, being human is."

It has helped me to understand why in appraisal meetings we end up discussing the same propensities and weaknesses year after year. But if the conversation is changing and I can hear that people are developing greater self-awareness or a more nuanced understanding in relation to their weaknesses or using strategies or accessing support to help manage it or showing increased grace to themselves or those they work with, then a narrative of change and growth and development is revealed and there is cause for celebration.

In this Blog, I do not want to “make myself small” because as Marianne Williamson said, “Your playing small does not serve the world.” But neither do I want to present myself as the hero of my own blog. Rather, I hope I present myself as human - one whose life is marked by both success and failure, one whose knowledge is only ever partial. My disclaimer - change is a journey and perfection is not the destination!

Arohanui nui ki a koutou.

Lesley

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