Loneliness of Leadership (Part 1)

Loneliness of Leadership (Part 2)

4.30 minute read

No panacea for the loneliness of leadership

Now we start to get to the nitty gritty. Before I begin, I want to put up front that there is no panacea for the loneliness of leadership. Like many tough things in life, we simply have to go through it, and, when we do, we will get better at dealing with it. As I suggested in part 2, it never fully goes away and often comes back when we least expect it. Fortunately, when it does, because we have developed skills, capacities and relationships along the way, we will now be much better armed to deal with it in constructive ways so that it won’t cause the suffering and, in particular, the degree of self-doubt it may have caused in early leadership.

There are two other things I want to acknowledge before launching into solutions. Firstly, none of these solutions on their own fully addresses the issue – together they will help – but don’t expect miracles or you will be disappointed. Secondly, I don’t want to add to the feelings of guilt and powerlessness of new leaders by suggesting that this is in any way easy. In fact, implementing these strategies when you are on the very steep learning curve of early principalship/leadership seems counterintuitive and may appear, in the short-term, to add to the load that is already weighing you down.

As a result, there will be many “logical” defensive scripts that will jump to mind as you read this….the main ones being, “I don’t have time now, how can I find more time to do that”, or “I already have so much on my back, and you want me to …” You may well say, “I would already be doing those things if I could.” I have used those defensive scripts myself many times and I acknowledge that the issues are complex. But the good news is that these strategies will not only begin helping you with the short term issue of loneliness of leadership as a new principal, but they are an investment into your long term leadership development and will continually help you through your leadership career.

Having people you can disclose your full self to – confidantes, mentors and coaches

One of the issues of moving into leadership, is the feeling that we have to hide some parts of ourselves in front of certain people and in certain places. In fact, there is absolute wisdom in not disclosing everything to everyone. Hence, the subtle change in relationships with colleagues and the school community. As school leaders we become party to highly confidential information, information that can be disturbing and distressful, at times. We may not feel as though we can or should share this information with our partner or those close to us. Personally, I do share some things with my husband because I know that he is incredibly trustworthy with information – he doesn’t pass it on, he doesn’t judge and he tells me if he thinks I am wrong. But again, wisdom has to prevail. If there is any risk a partner, or best friend is likely to pass on these confidences, even without meaning to, then we cannot risk it, which then further increases leaders’ feelings of fragmentation and isolation. We often end up carrying around painful emotions that we feel we cannot share with anyone. This isolates us even when we are home among family and friends.

So leaders do have to have those people to whom we can show our whole selves, warts and all, mistakes and successes; and ideally we would have several people we can share openly with. As well as my husband, I have hugely benefitted from having paid coaches and mentors throughout my leadership career (see my article about a mentor). I strongly advise each school leader to seek a paid coach and mentor, not the appraiser chosen by the Board, unless the school leader trusts that person completely to also fulfil the role of coach and mentor. This is not a cheap exercise, good coaches and mentors can be expensive and may have to travel from far flung places around New Zealand. But Boards of Trustees have to see it as an essential and powerful investment in a school principal’s leadership development. The Board and school, as well as the leader, will benefit in the long term.

What to look for in a coach and mentor

A coach and mentor has to be for you – acting at all times in your best interests. You have to know that their regard for you is unconditional. When you are with them, you have to feel that their whole focus is on you, on assisting you to be…become…your best self. You have to be convinced that they care for you and your wellbeing and that they are committed to you over the long term – that they will travel with you through the good and the bad. You have to trust that they will keep your confidences. I can say that the two main coaches and mentors who have walked with me on this leadership journey never once told me stories about others they were coaching and mentoring. In fact, I could have been left thinking that I was the only one.

Finally, as an aspect of being for you, a coach and mentor also has to be prepared to ask the hard questions and even from time to time tell you to “pull your head in”.  This is a professional relationship and it must be concerned with your ongoing growth and development. Sometimes this requires a difficult conversation and very occasionally a little bit of a “telling off” just to get you moving in the right direction. I have had a couple of “telling offs” over the years and I still remember them word for word. A “yes” person may be good for your ego, but they won’t ease your loneliness – only increase it. Your loneliness will be eased when you know someone sees deep into you – the hidden depths of goodness and capability, but also the bits that require work – and we all have those.

The right coach and mentor (someone you have chosen) to whom you feel safe disclosing your full self is an absolute necessity for leaders at every stage of their leadership journey. I cannot more strongly recommend this strategy to you to assist with the loneliness of leadership. But it is only one in a raft of strategies. More strategies in the Loneliness of Leadership (Part 4).

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